I hate you

At least I think so

I hate it how you never call

How you disappear in the wide And after a day you’ll apologise. But it is never enough.

I hate it how you didn’t tell me. I hate it how she held you.

The sharp and disgusting,

Loathing, absurd thought that she had you.

She got to feel you,

To touch you,

To be with you, To love you.

I absurdly believe that you don’t care,

Maybe you once did,

Maybe your not aware,

Of thy pain I went through because I care about you.

I care about how you feel,

Who you’ve been with,

Who hurt you and who made you happy,

What your dreams are and what you are most afraid of. 

 

I nevertheless wish you’d just say how you feel, What you want from me, Do you want me to cry?

Do you want me to scream?

Do you want me to worry?

Do you want me to hate you?

Do you want me to love you?

Do you want me to touch you?

Do you want me to feel you?

Or

Do you want me to hate her?

 

I don’t believe I do,

I don’t even have a slight shimmer of what has been,

What she did and how you felt,

I hate the fact that she was yours and you were hers

I hate that you held her

You had your arms around her She laid her head on you. You held her.

 

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her. 

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her. 

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

You held her.

 

You held her like you should’ve held me.

You held her like you should be holding me.

You held her like you should be holding me in thy future.

 

I don’t know if you are still holding her.

If you still love her.

If you ever loved her. I wish her the best, But with another man.

You’re not her’s

You had said you’re mine but have you meant that?

Your fate indeed to be with me,

To hold me,

To be with me, To love me. 

 

I wish you would just tell me

As morose,

As happy,

As absurd,

As disgusting,

As loathing,

As enough,

As plain,

As colourful as it might be,

I want you to trust me my dear,

 

When you said you’re not going to hurt me, break my heart. 

 

Did you mean that?

 

Did you mean that?

 

Did you mean that?

 

Did you cross your fingers or did you mean that?

 

Do you still talk to her?

Do you tell her the things you’ve told me?

Do you call her “my dear” as well?

Is she your love?

 

In bloodish colours and spoken horror,

The tears I have cried and the laughs I’ve cut,

I ask you again

Again and again, Do you still love her?

 

Ana

 

That name

 

 I’ll never hear the same

 

Ana 

 

Did you tell Ana you love her?

Did you actually love Ana?

Do you still love Ana?

 

Did you ever actually like me?

Did you lie to me?

Did you stop liking me when you saw my body?

Or maybe just my face?

Was that enough?

 

I dream that not.

I dream that on your knees you’ll beg,

To forgive you for making me shred tears across my face,

And I will forgive you,

I will forgive you when you answer. When you answer this.

This unspoken words,

This fate that hurt, This blade that cannot bend.

 

I also dream one day,

As foolish as it indeed is,

That you in the far be waiting,

Next to the crasher you’ve been carrying,

You’ll wait and you’ll agree, You’ll place thy cold ring on my fingers, That this will not just be a dream.

 

And if not me then Ana,

Or whoever, Whoever you’d like more, If you’d like someone more.

Then to god I will pray for your head in the right space,

Cause my dear no one will think of you like me,

No one will ever hold you like I will, No one will be me.

 

A fool you are,

A disgusting man,

A disgrace to the human race,

For making me feel this,

Making me cry,

I don’t deserve this, But I deserve you, You deserve me!

Nothing better than me there’ll be.

 

For sure I tell you my dear,

Let the past behind,

And tell me how you feel,

Tell me what you fear, Tell me what hurt you, Tell me who loved you.

For you I’d be wherever,

I trust you for the better,

And for thy love of the gods, I hope you feel the same.